I began writing a post yesterday about how food is too much of an issue for my liking. It’s not actually that food is anymore of an issue than it always has been, rather that I hate this part, where I’m not eating and have to force myself to eat. I know it’ll pass. Just nauseous at the moment. I cooked some soup yesterday and warmed some up now for breakfast/dinner which I’ll have along with chicken. I hate forcing myself to swallow and then not doing anything about it. So now I’m feeling icky.
Onto more positive things, I went out yesterday in order to go out (after work, instead of sitting on the couch for the entire day). I’m really liking where I’m up to with copying out my letters to myself (some of which are online). At one point in time I decided that I wanted all the letters to myself copied out in a separate journal. Because it’s something I want to keep. I have all my journals, but my journals aren’t stuff I want to read for there’s way too much negativity there that if I read will send me spiraling. I do want the letters to myself. So I’ve been copying them out for a while now – every so often doing another. I’ve nearly finished a journal full of them. I wonder what I’ll do with them when I’ve copied all that I’ve written until today out. I guess we’ll see then.
I need to speak to my boss. I’m sure I wrote about it – Ramble 832. I took a few days to prepare myself and today I went to speak to him. He wasn’t in his office, so I’ll go again next week. It feels easier to go next week then it did until today, because now I actually went. So even though I didn’t speak to him I feel better about it.
I’ve been journaling more. Which is good. I don’t like how dark my writing can be (I haven’t decided whether to copy out something I wrote, probably not). I never used to write if it’d be that dark, I didn’t want the stuff written down on paper, which makes it more real. I didn’t want a copy of it anywhere. Nowadays I’m trying to let myself write it. It helps me to. It takes it from my head and puts it onto paper, which makes it less of a mess in my head (and more of a mess on paper). It doesn’t necessarily change it. Sometimes when I write the stuff, it lessens it. Sometimes it doesn’t, but it always makes it easier to handle, for it defines it. I hope to keep up with the 2 minutes of journaling a day, for then it won’t be months and months without.
Every day when I write a list of what I’m grateful for, the last line is ‘god, thank you for another day of life’. It’s not that I feel grateful. One of the things I include in my gratitude list at least half the days is ‘the day is over/the end of yet another day’. It’s not contradictory for they’re both true. I am always grateful when the day is finally over. I’m also thanking god for another day of life because I want to be grateful for another day. I want to appreciate that I lived for another day. And sometimes I actually do appreciate it – appreciate both that the day is finally over and that I lived through another day. Re-reading it in the morning (I usually write a gratitude list at night and usually reread it in the morning) is a reminder of the same – that another day is a gift (even if it’s a gift I may be uninterested in).
Going to go and eat something now. I’m teaching again soon and would like to be present for my students.