I feel like I’m failing.

I feel like I’m failing because I want to use

What I’m failing to take into account is that I’m not using – and that even if I do end up taking cocodamol, I’ll cross that bridge when I get to it, I haven’t failed now.

I feel like I’m failing because food is an issue

What I’m failing to take into account is how I’m stopping it being a real issue. However much it’s an issue, and is annoying, detestable, abhorancable (I know that’s not a word), I’m not letting it take over, I’m taking charge as far as I can. And one day it really won’t be an issue (or if it is, it’ll be an issue in less of a way than it is now).

I feel like I’m failing because I always feel alone.

What I’m failing to take into account is that I often am alone, and that’s okay.

I feel like I’m failing when I’m surrounded by people who are friends with each other and somehow, despite them all being friends with each other (my workmates, family etc) I’m just not a part of it.

What I’m failing to take into account is that with some people I work with, I am friends/friendly. What I’m failing to see is that it’s not my issue if they’re friends with each other and not me. That even if it IS something wrong with me that makes it so, I didn’t choose it, and it doesn’t define me. That they’re friends, that they talk and I’m just not a part of it, the jokes I just don’t understand, the outings I’m never invited on, don’t define me, it defines them.

I feel like I’m failing my students.

What I’m failing to take into account is that they’re learning. They may do better with another teacher. Equally, they may be doing best with me.

I feel like I’m failing since I still don’t know what I believe.

What I’m failing to take into account is that everything takes me forever to work through, and, it’s okay. It means that what I know is really real. It means I can explain to anyone what I know and believe, and why I believe it. It means what I know is mine. That I don’t know the rest, how many people honestly do? Not all my friends can explain to me why they believe what they do – even if they know what they believe. I’m going the other way around. Working it through until I know whatever the end result will be. That I don’t know it now isn’t a failing. It means I’m a work in progress. Yes, 2 years later.

I feel like I’m failing when I’m sitting in my room instead of downstairs with others

What I’m failing to take into account is the time I’ve spent and do spend with others. That time to myself is a good thing, not an issue.

I feel like I’m failing because I never have any clue what to do with my time or myself. I’ve hours of time and no idea how to spend it (well 4 – 5 hours a day).

What I’m failing to take into account is that I’m working most the day. That of the 5 hours, one is winding down (which is why I said 4 – 5), another I’m allowed to do nothing (to add to the other 3 hours I do nothing and am okay with), and that I don’t need to know what to do with my time or myself. I’m failing to see how up until a year and a half ago my life was spent escaping. My life was spent in another world. At times it was online. At times books. At times cocodamol. I was never present. I was never here. I’m failing to see that it’s going to take me time to realise that I have time. It’s going to take me time to learn how to fill the spare time.

I feel like I’m failing because I’m not doing things I want to do like exercise

What I’m failing to take into account is that I’ve never been able to self motivate myself. I never needed to. In school I got by with attending some of the lessons, skipping the rest, not learning, and passing the government tests (passing well, but with only A/B’s). I’m failing to see how I’ve never had to work. I’ve never had to push myself, and now when I want to, it’s hard to. I’m failing to take into account how much I AM pushing myself. How I’m taking basic care of myself which is really tough for me. How I’m eating. How I’m reaching out to people. I’m pushing myself a lot. All the things I want to do to fill my spare time with and can’t bring myself to do, it’s not a failing, because I’m using all that energy for other things. And self motivation takes a lot of energy for me.

I feel like I’m failing because I have to push myself to do simple things like brushing my teeth.

What I’m failing to take into account is that I wasn’t brought up with self care. That I wasn’t brought up doing these seemingly simple things, and that getting to a place of doing these things will take energy.

I feel like I’m failing because I’m so negative all the time.

What I’m failing to see is how much I change everything to the positive. How the negativity I give off is actually far outweighed by the positivity, that it’s me who is giving weight to the negativity and blaming myself for it, rather than it being as much as it is.

I feel like I’m failing because I still feel guilty for being alive.

What I’m failing to see is that a belief that has been built upon since I was a child is going to take a long time to erode. What I’m failing to see is how I definitely feel less guilty for living then I used to. I’m failing to see how the self destruction, the need for it, whilst still there, is a lot less – in proportion with the guilt.

I feel like I’m failing

I’m failing to take into account all the ways I’m not failing.

I feel like I’m failing.

I know that I’m not failing.

I feel like I’m failing.

I know I’m still here.

I feel like I’m failing.

Yet I’m continuing on.

I feel like I’m failing.

No matter how much I feel like I’m failing, it’s okay.

I feel like I’m failing.

And that’s okay. I feel like I’m failing. I’m not failing. I’m here. And, it is. I feel like I’m failing. And one day I’ll know that I haven’t failed.

14 thoughts on “I feel like I’m failing

  1. It just sounds like life is happening. And interestingly enough, these things work themselves out over time.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I fail in many respects and want to kick myself for it – I want to have the energy to do things or be more adventurous and often by the end of the day I am bored with work and it just zaps my spirit and strength. It is what it is and we dig our own holes and we have to find what gives us even the smallest amount of joy and embrace it. For me that is walking and the good things associated with it – nature, Parker, writing, taking pictures. But I think everyone is a failure at something, otherwise we’d be perfect and “perfect” does not exist.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. It would be Eliza – hard to achieve though as much as we may want it. Love, light and glitter back at you – and the weekend is here. Yay for that. One nice weather day (Saturday) and Sunday they say will not be so nice. It is our Mother’s Day holiday on Sunday. I know the UK had there’s a while ago. Enjoy your weekend too!

        Liked by 1 person

        1. I’m so happy to hear that!
          I’m sad and confused and trying to process the unprocessable (nothing to do with me).
          And I’m living. I’m here. I’m crying – which is amazing. And doing. And gotta get going for it’s shabbat really soon.
          I hope you have a peaceful weekend…
          Love, light and glitter

          Liked by 1 person

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