Another rambling update, although to be honest, I’ve no clue what I’ll write. (I just realised I forgot to add a title)

I just watched this – thank you Laurie for sharing it

It was really interesting to hear. That I can influence my actions. I’ve decided to sit/stand in a ‘powerful’ position before approaching my boss about next year. I need to speak to my boss to ask what the plan is for next year and I really don’t want to. Primarily because I have no clue what I want to do. I want a job and don’t know what I want the job to be. So I’m not looking to speak to him. Yet I have to. So I hopefully will do so later this week.

I’m exhausted. Last night I slept! I woke up a little after 7 this morning. And I had a shower. Last night I used dry shampoo – again – as I knew I wouldn’t have a shower this morning. This morning I actually showered. I absolutely hate showers, so that was a pretty big deal for me. Super tired at the moment. Another great thing I did today was eat. I literally forced myself to eat today. I guess I’m in the mode of not eating. So my dinner time I bought a wheat snack and chewed through it really slowly and swallowed almost every bite. Now I came home and couldn’t think of what to eat. I called my friend up and she brought around soup from her freezer. I warmed it up and fried egg to eat with it (mainly egg whites) so that I know I’ve had protein. I’m way more aware of how I cycle with foods now. Some days I eat loads. Some days nothing at all. It used to be that if I didn’t want to eat I just wouldn’t, but now I’m trying to make sure that I do.

Someone went away with RR. She’s mentioning him to me. She thinks I feel ‘cool’ that she went away with him. She looks at RR as ‘mine’ in a sense, as someone I’ve got a relationship with and who she thinks feels closer to her because of me. In actual fact that probably isn’t so, but you never know. It, I don’t know if it hurts or not. I know I don’t like it. First off I don’t like that she mentions him so much in the context that he has a relationship with me, for, yeah. I don’t know what I think of RR. Second I’m jealous that she went away with him (and other people). Third she’s making it into a big deal (because she feels cool in a sense). And I don’t want to think about him at all. I know I’ll have to think about him one day, but it doesn’t have to be unless I want to. I know I will think of it. I know I have to process what I think about what he did or didn’t do. I know I want to one day be okay with the fact that he lied to me – whether I will or won’t ever have a relationship with him remains to be seen. It’s not today. I process best with just time. And I’m finding the constant reminder tough.

Last night when I was freaking out I decided to use colours to draw what was going on. I couldn’t write. Did some scribbling over pages in my journal. Lots of deep red and a bit of black. The vortex was deep red which was surprising to me for in the past it’s always been black. They were weird. Just eek’ed me out. It was more peaceful afterwards though. I’d gotten some of the nonsense in my head out.

I messaged a friend last night if she feels like I use her. She replied I’d have to try a lot harder than that. She’s cute. She’s just nice. I do feel like I’m using her for she is so busy that she has no time. And she’s there for me. She wouldn’t ask me to be there for her (I’d be there in the blink of an eye if she’d want it)

I was wondering whether to work through what I believe. I wrote about it here. I discussed it with a friend – more like I was on the phone just talking to her and she just listened. It was actually fun to talk to her! She’s really doing well at the moment and I love it when my friends are happy and okay. I texted the friend I was referencing above. And it feels like it makes a lot more sense in my mind. I’m seeing that I can’t live my life according to someone else. It’s too real for me to decide whether to work through whether Torah is true or not. But yet I can see – even if I can’t act on it – that it’s my choice. That it has to be my choice. That my life is mine to live. I can’t yet act on it. There’s way too much around it.

It’s pretty new for me to believe I’m allowed to have choices of my own. That I’m allowed to want. Something that really frustrated me often was how it was always about the other person. How it had to always be about the other person. I was annoyed with ‘the other person’ for never taking me into account. I’ve finally realised – well, not just now, maybe already a year ago – that it’s that I didn’t see an ‘I’. I never thought there could be a me, there never was what I wanted, for I couldn’t want anything, so of course ‘the other person’ never saw the ‘I’.

My sister interrupted me and I’ve lost my train of thought.

11 thoughts on “Ramble 832

  1. sounds like you’re daring to grow! Everything we do or don’t is our choice, nobody is holding a gun to our head … once you really get that your can start living ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    1. It’s strange. I used to feel responsible for so much. It’s about learning to let go of responsibility that isn’t yours so that can take on that which is. One day… one day…

      Liked by 1 person

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