I think I feel sad. I don’t know how to define what I feel. But I feel something (which is actually a pretty big deal for me). I think it’s sad.
There’s so much on my mind. This morning I sat down to journal, but I just didn’t know what to write. Same with last night. Sometimes writing here is easier.
I’m feeling alone. I am alone. Some people went out without me – not wrong of them, no space, but means that my plan to go out with these people in the afternoon today didn’t happen. I was actually good and went out. I had the car for about an hour. Really 1.5. I went out when I had it for 40 minutes. I knew where I was going to go – to a poundshop in a shopping centre that I like. 10 minute drive there. 15 minutes there. 10 minute drive back. As soon as I got in the car I decided that I’d change the destination and instead stop off at pharmacies to buy cocodamol. I didn’t. I mean that I didn’t stop off. I kept driving (gosh, that was really hard to do). Went to this shopping centre. Reverse parked and actually landed up in the lines of the space! I bought some books that were on offer and were pretty expensive. I don’t usually pay such money for books that I’ll read once and then give away. I chose to now because I do need books to read and I was going to spend the money on cocodamol. It’s not like buying it now would stop me buying it later – meaning it’s not like the same money will be spent later. Whatever I buy wouldn’t be enough, for if I ever go back to using, if I don’t want to end it after 2 weeks I’d need thousands. So I have books and apple tango here.
It was interesting to drive. That’s when I decided that I think I’m sad. I’m cold. Really cold. Because it IS cold. At least I feel cold :). I keep on turning the heating up to 25 (degrees celsius) and someone keeps on turning it back down to 20/21.
I spoke to RR on Friday for a couple of minutes. I password protected the post where I explained what/why with him, if you want the password just ask (elizareasonstolive at gmail.com. And I actually put my non-blog email address there at first!). He answered me. Sort of. Meaning he explained himself. He didn’t fully tell me what had happened between him and D. How it came to be. He said D had asked him (RR) about helping me and that D figured out funding as he – RR – didn’t have a way to. RR had offered to get me help. He didn’t remember whether D came to him before that or after that. He didn’t tell me as he knew I’d very likely not go through with it if I knew and he didn’t feel he could risk that. I probably wouldn’t have gone through with it. I’d probably never have spoken to AH had I known. AH did help me. Then AH left, I’ve no clue why AH left and at this point I’m finally okay with it, I think of AH in a cute way. Often remember him and I know AH would actually get a kick out of the random times I think of him – which isn’t relevant as I’m not in touch with him after it ended between us.
I spent hours on Friday journaling it through. Maybe only an hour. The up and down side of it is, RR lied to me. He broke my trust knowing how important trust is tome. He actually said that to me on Friday. That he knows just how vital trust is to me (and how little I trust anyone). If there was anyone I trusted, it was him. Yet he lied to me.
He knew the reasoning I wouldn’t have gone ahead with it had I known D was involved. And he knew that the reasoning was valid. D had called AH before I ever spoke to him (AH let me know a few months down the line, and told me the conversation, what he thought of it, and that he’d refused to speak to him). RR knew – and probably understood my reasoning too. It’s not like it makes a difference, for being that it happened this way, I’m not obligated in any of the ways D would have felt I would be.
RR lied to me. It doesn’t hurt me at all. I don’t know what it did on Friday – I spent the evening half in tears. I decided that for shabbat I’d engage with my family. I could isolate myself or I could engage with them. I did. I read a bit in my room but for at least half of the day I was with them. Was up half the night but eventually slept. I still don’t know what I think.
RR missed out some information. He told me on Wednesday that D was involved in helping find AH. He didn’t say that on Friday. He didn’t tell me what that means. He didn’t tell me why he thought that was okay. RR told me he was going to arrange it. Which means that D shouldn’t have been involved there. I want RR to tell me how involved, involved means. And I don’t even care for the information so I’m not sure if I should even ask. If it was the information I cared for I have other people to ask. Someone else who either knew or looked too. By the way, I don’t mean that D was involved afterwards, I mean beforehand. Afterwards, it was always through RR. I explained to RR that it’s not that I actually care so much what happened, but that I need him to be honest with me. I don’t know. For today I’m not asking him anything more. I don’t know if I’m okay with him not giving me the details of what happened or not. I don’t know if it’s relevant or if by thinking about it I’m making it into an issue that it doesn’t need to be. I don’t want to speak to anyone else about it for I’m scared that if I speak to someone else who knows what happened, that she’ll contradict what RR told me. I don’t really think RR lied to me on Friday, but still. Or I don’t think he intentionally lied to me. He lied to me. He took my trust and shattered it into itsy, bitsy pieces. He betrayed me. I honestly feel nothing at all about it. Which is okay. Everything always takes me forever to process. I find it strange how I was in tears on Friday and so couldn’t handle it, when, I’ve known for at least a month. I sorta knew for a year and a half. A year and a half ago AH told me that D had called him. I knew then that RR had been in touch with D (and that obviously D had been involved as presumably RR wouldn’t just give D the info). I decided not to know. Then a couple of months ago it came to mind and I cared. I’ve known since then. Really known I mean. But somehow RR actually telling me he knowingly lied/with-held information from me, knowing just how important trust is to me, makes it all the more real.
I think I feel sad. At the moment I feel nothing at all. But some of the moments, the moments I sense something other than nothing, I think that’s sadness (it’s not the pit in my stomach which I usually think means I’m nervous for something, or the shaking/choking/constriction which is often enough and enough people have described as anxiety – which either it is or isn’t).