This is sorta religious based. Well, I thought it was going to be, but ended up rambling instead.

I was listening to a class by Yitzchak Berkowitz just now. He was saying that life leads you somewhere. Backtrack. This world is finite. For finite to exist there has to be infinity. Infinity has to be unity for the infinite can’t be split. It’s a contradiction, how something finite can coexist with the infinite. Finite can either be existing outside, or within the infinite. It’d have to be within, for if it’s external, what’s giving finite existence? Finite is limit. If we look at the finite we can see what the infinite is like for everything finite is part of the infinite. The finite world lives with rules. Connection. Communication. The earthworms plough the fields. Humanity is slowly heading to peace. The point of the finite is to connect to the infinite by becoming like the infinite. On a national level we see this – how humanity slowly stop destroying the world. On a personal level every person is created with their unique character flaws, their own mission to correct. A person will constantly be led in the direction they’re meant to go. A person who trips and falls learns to look where they’re going. An introvert will be placed in more situations where they have to speak up than anyone else. A person who doesn’t think before they speak will put their foot in their mouth in more situations than would be expected. A person who can’t stop talking will be placed in more situations where they have to be silent than others. Every person is led to perfect themselves, to connect to the infinite, by being like the infinite (infinity, by definition, has to be perfection).

What’s my purpose? Where’s life leading me? I wonder if there’s a way for me to see it and/or know.

It’s actually a little interesting that I was listening to that this morning, for the past couple of weeks is the first time (in my entire life that I recall, definitely in the past 5 years) that I’m beginning to see that there could be a life. It was/has always been about the opposite. First it was suicidality with no awareness of it. Before that, I never really lived in the world. I used to wonder if I was living in a dream and would one day wake up. I used to wonder if I was really real or a figment of my imagination – I know, where’s ‘my’ imagination coming from, or someone’s imagination. After I chose to give life a go 2.5 years ago, it’s always been, just hang on, coz’ it’s worth it, for there has to be something more. What’s the something? Who knows. Just believe. Believe in those who have done it before. Believe in the impossibility. Life’s been all about hanging on. When I stopped using a year and a half ago (and slipped up after that, it’s been a year since I’ve used cocodamol), it’s all been about hanging on. Yeah, life has changed too. I’m way more present. I don’t wonder if I’m real or not for I know I’m real. I don’t wonder if I’m living in a dream for I know this world is reality. Actually, AH (I actually miss AH. He’s my ex therapist, he ended it/I wrecked it) told me when I told him I wanted to fly to see him that he found the desire for reality moving. He knew just how ‘unreal’ my world was. I’d wanted to fly to him because I wanted it to be real (well, that’s when it ended). Life is a lot more ‘real’ than it was. Real actually describes what I mean really well. One day recently someone attached a link to an interview with a girl who described depersonalisation/derealisation. Listening to it described what my life used to be like to a tee. Thankfully it’s less so. There’s still the nothingness so often. There’re still all the walls that I can’t go past. I can’t access myself, or my world. But in a way lesser extent.

So listening to this class now was perfect timing. About the fact that every persons life leads them to where they’re meant to go. When I’m beginning to feel like there may just be a future for me. I’m beginning to see a future. Able to think more realistically about studying, what and how I want to do it. I don’t know where I want to live. I don’t know where I want my life to take me. And in a way that’s pretty cool. For it means I’ve a blank canvas that I can decorate however it pleases. I’ll probably do lotsa things I hate in the process. And that’s okay. I’ve no clue what I even like nowadays, if I like anything much (other than giving), I know some of that is depression style, some of that, most of that, is that life could never be about me. Life’s always been about others. What do others want. If I was going out with someone, it was about what they wanted to do. It was frustrating that it was never about me, but truth be told, it couldn’t be, for there was never really a ‘me’ there.

It’s not that I don’t still want to use and mess up. For I do. Always. It’s that instead of life being only about hanging on and staying away, it looks like maybe it can be about learning what the future can be. Exploring the endless possibilities. See where life is trying to lead me and embracing it. I hope I’m able to hold that in mind. For I’ve still no clue what I want from life or where I want life to take me. And for the moment that’s awesome.

Actually, it’s not quite true. For the past year and a half I’ve been skirting around working through what I believe. I’ve been brought up religious and I act religious – externally – whilst having no clue what I believe. Now I actually feel ready to work through whether I think it’s true or not. I want to. I want to work through it. I always wanted to, but wanted to in a very different way. Now I want to because I can see it guiding my life. I may come to believe it’s true. I may come to believe it’s not true. If it’s true, there’s definitely what I’d have to work through. I’d want to believe that the infinite – god – is good, rather than selfish. I can see that as a possibility. Which is pretty cool. It feels like I’ve taken forever (a year and a half!!) to work through nothing. I hate that I take so long for anything and everything. And, it is what it is. Whatever I know is really real to me. I’m also grateful.

I wrote this title before I finished this post. The title is eerily true of my life at the moment. Life is heading – somewhere.

Love, light and glitter